Wednesday, June 10, 2009
June 10, 2009 - a perfect day
It's a Wednesday--our usual "home day". We started out with a relaxed morning at home with Indigo watching some shows . . . then the three of us enjoyed Indigo opening some birthday gifts. Then we all ventured out to Genie's on Division for a fun breakfast with art supplies and a pancake and orange juice for the 5 year old birthday girl. Drizzling but not cold and we went to Washington Park rose garden to take in the amazing feast for the senses--roses in all their magnificent glory and the scents and sights permeating our souls. We played on the stage, where I once danced as a Dutch girl ballerina with my park bureau ballet class--in the dress and hat that Great Grandma Connelley sewed for me. From there we went to find the Willamette Trolley only to learn it is not operating currently (line needs repair). Then off to Rose's for a very rich chocolate cupcake with a beautiful red rose on top. Home for more shows, dinner and a hot tub soak before bed. A perfect day. Portland rocks. Five year olds rock too.
Indigo's 5th birthday song
"Oh my woman, oh my shaman, don't you worry, don't you fret. We will get to Neptune's party, we will get there, oh you bet, oh you bet." Repeat several times to the tune of "Oh my darlin', oh my darlin', oh my darlin' Clementine . . ."
Ah the sweet life of a 5 year old!
Ah the sweet life of a 5 year old!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
C'mon, let's dance (a.k.a. deep love)
Inspired by a wonderful woman, Jay's recent blog/e-news: http://4wingrockjourneys.wordpress.com/2009/02/03/valentine/
My response to
Jay:
C'mon, let's dance!! This is one of Indigo's favorite phrases . . .
Dance. What a joy to behold. We dance and feel love. My daddy used to dip me in his strong arms and we would laugh and I felt so safe. I used to dance with my mom too and we would laugh and feel so free together. I have been missing my daddy's strong dips! I have been holding this in my heart much lately. Indigo read my thoughts as she so often does. She came up to me one day while I was lost in thought, missing my daddy's strong arms . . . She said to me, "Mama, do you want to see what a groom does to his bride?" (where she got this, I will never know). Of course I did want to know! She put herself into my arms and went into a big back bend and let me dip her...she fell into that dip, knowing that I would hold her and not let her fall. I was so deeply moved by this and felt her love and my dad's love and all of our love intertwining. I dip her now as we dance and she smiles and laughs and wants more. She also likes me to hang her upside down and to twirl her around, and all sorts of other fun things.
So, love is dance and dance is love and being a mama has cracked my heart open wider than I ever dreamed possible. Losing my dad has cracked it open even wider. I know deep pain and sorrow and through those journeys to the underworld, I am reborn, full of renewed love and hope. Who knew that loss could make one love even more?
I have held the three babes who came to me and didn't stay for long with deep reverence and much gratitude for showing my heart a love I never knew was possible. And then came Indigo and that love was even bigger. Wow. I'm not sure that I would have found that big love without my children showing me. I'm sure others find it through different means, but this was my soul's journey.
Happy Valentine's Day, to all of my dear ones. I hope you know who you are :). Peace and love!
My response to
Jay:C'mon, let's dance!! This is one of Indigo's favorite phrases . . .
Dance. What a joy to behold. We dance and feel love. My daddy used to dip me in his strong arms and we would laugh and I felt so safe. I used to dance with my mom too and we would laugh and feel so free together. I have been missing my daddy's strong dips! I have been holding this in my heart much lately. Indigo read my thoughts as she so often does. She came up to me one day while I was lost in thought, missing my daddy's strong arms . . . She said to me, "Mama, do you want to see what a groom does to his bride?" (where she got this, I will never know). Of course I did want to know! She put herself into my arms and went into a big back bend and let me dip her...she fell into that dip, knowing that I would hold her and not let her fall. I was so deeply moved by this and felt her love and my dad's love and all of our love intertwining. I dip her now as we dance and she smiles and laughs and wants more. She also likes me to hang her upside down and to twirl her around, and all sorts of other fun things.
So, love is dance and dance is love and being a mama has cracked my heart open wider than I ever dreamed possible. Losing my dad has cracked it open even wider. I know deep pain and sorrow and through those journeys to the underworld, I am reborn, full of renewed love and hope. Who knew that loss could make one love even more?
I have held the three babes who came to me and didn't stay for long with deep reverence and much gratitude for showing my heart a love I never knew was possible. And then came Indigo and that love was even bigger. Wow. I'm not sure that I would have found that big love without my children showing me. I'm sure others find it through different means, but this was my soul's journey.
Happy Valentine's Day, to all of my dear ones. I hope you know who you are :). Peace and love!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Transformational month of November '08 and other notes to self
I'm on a roll tonight with these blog posts, but I really need to get some sleep SOON!
Note to self--write about my transformational month of November 2008:
And more stuff to reflect on later:
Indigo's night terror (12/10 . . . her 4 1/2 year old "half" birthday)
Losses while pregnant and beyond. I experienced a cluster of losses while pregnant with Indigo and did much grieving in the midst of the happiest place in my life...finally pregnant and loving it, yet so much sorrow and pain.
Note to self--write about my transformational month of November 2008:
- New Years Day --- 11/4/08!!! GOOOOOOO Obama!! YES, we CAN!
- birthday reading with Staci on 11/10
- attended two births (11/11 and 11/29); dad's presence in the car on 11/11 and Jesus at the hospital (St. Vincent)
- Beautiful True Nature leadership workshop with Judy C. -- proccessmind experience
- Maya Abdominal massage and soul clearings; prayers
- Sobonfu Some grief ritual retreat at Still Meadow
- Job interviews and new job with SCC (first interview after 11/11 birth and second interview after 11/14-16 grief ritual)
- Being my true self and waking up/showing up
- In a "good space"
- Falling on my ass (literally!) / my wake up call (11/6)--see emails to Judy C.
And more stuff to reflect on later:
Indigo's night terror (12/10 . . . her 4 1/2 year old "half" birthday)
Losses while pregnant and beyond. I experienced a cluster of losses while pregnant with Indigo and did much grieving in the midst of the happiest place in my life...finally pregnant and loving it, yet so much sorrow and pain.
- Quincy 11/03 (17 y/o cat); He loved sleeping curled up pressed into my growing belly. Indigo must have loved his loud purrs.
- Mary (11/9/03) - dear friend, long-time client and wise, grounded Catholic woman of 95 y/o; sharp, sharp mind and gave selflessly to others until the end; she touched so many lives. Last words to me when I knew it would be the last time I'd see her as she looked deeply at me with her blue eyes: "Thank you for all the love, Carol." It's a moment I will always cherish. Thank YOU for all the love, Mary. I got the call on my birthday (11/10) left on my voice mail. Deep sorrow. This one really hit me hard.
- Grandma Vi (3/13/04) - 6 mos. pregnant; 3 days after car accident
- Anastasia (5/20/04) - close to 9 mos. pregnant; last words to me: "Happy Mother's Day!" I was so happy that Anastasia got to see me pregnant. She lived and died gracefully at home. She visited me in my dreamtime the night she passed. I'm sure she visited all her loved ones. I woke up that morning and went straight to her house. I knew she was gone. I stood on the deck with her family, shared some hugs and was on my way.
- Margie (late May '04)
- Festus (Feb '05) - 18 y/o cat; my soul friend and shoulder kitty
- Grandma Blanche (3/14/06)--she got to know Indigo for nearly 2 years. Vigil for a week or so at Kaiser. Indigo knows how to tend the dying.
- The big wammy... Daddy (9/15/06) -- sudden death at Providence Portland, but not unexpected. Saw him in the ED and talked to him on the phone later that night before he died. In the ED, "Tell Indigo that Papa Terry loves her very much." Indigo's song a few days before he died...spontaneous rendition of "5 little monkeys jumping on the bed" changed up to "5 little Papa Terrys jumping on the bed", final verse: "no more Papa Terrys jumping on the bed." She knew the time was coming.
The night before he died she sang the monkey version to him over the phone. 9/15/06--My deepest grief. My worst day ever. I thought losing babies was rough. This loss really cut deep. - Rob (4/4/07)
- Chloe (4/24/08) - Our beloved, sweet kitty; died peacefully at home in her sleep 2 days shy of her 18th birthday.
- Betty (1/13/09)
Goodbye Betty. Memories of your love of children and your ever present happy face will stay in my heart. You will be missed. May you go in peace and be surrounded by light, angels and love. I will miss your funeral on Tuesday, but will be with your loved ones in spirit as they honor your life and say goodbye.
Comfortable childbirth; parasympathetic versus sympathetic
And here are some more of my thoughts posted on the Hypnobabies instructor Yahoo group. This was in response to another instructor's post about how to respond to someone on a message board who could not wrap her head around the FACT that childbirth does not have to be painful. Indeed childbirth can be ecstatic and comfortable and deeply empowering. I have witnessed these types of births and anyone can create such a birth.
I feel that those I have talked to are a bit more open and receptive
when I tell them that my main motivator for creating and supporting
peaceful, gentle and relaxing births is in the interest of the babies.
I tell them that I do it for the babies, and thus for creating a more
peaceful society. No one can argue with that. I also just say
matter-of-factly that birth isn't intrinsically painful . . . its
really more about the perception of pain and the whole
fear-tension-pain cycle deal.
I have also been cycling around again to reflecting on how we heal in
a parasympathetic state (rest and relax).
Someone asked a thought-provoking question at the doula group where I
presented on Monday. Her question was about pain. She was really
trying to understand how birth can be comfortable. I asked her if she
knew about the autonomic nervous system and it's two
parts--sympathetic (fight or flight) and parasympathetic. She did
understand. I told her that we heal in the parasympathetic state--on
all levels--spiritually, physically and emotionally. I then asked,
"If you were birthing a baby would you rather be in a sympathetic
state or a parasympathetic state for you AND your baby?" It was a
no-brainer and it made an impact.
I feel that those I have talked to are a bit more open and receptive
when I tell them that my main motivator for creating and supporting
peaceful, gentle and relaxing births is in the interest of the babies.
I tell them that I do it for the babies, and thus for creating a more
peaceful society. No one can argue with that. I also just say
matter-of-factly that birth isn't intrinsically painful . . . its
really more about the perception of pain and the whole
fear-tension-pain cycle deal.
I have also been cycling around again to reflecting on how we heal in
a parasympathetic state (rest and relax).
Someone asked a thought-provoking question at the doula group where I
presented on Monday. Her question was about pain. She was really
trying to understand how birth can be comfortable. I asked her if she
knew about the autonomic nervous system and it's two
parts--sympathetic (fight or flight) and parasympathetic. She did
understand. I told her that we heal in the parasympathetic state--on
all levels--spiritually, physically and emotionally. I then asked,
"If you were birthing a baby would you rather be in a sympathetic
state or a parasympathetic state for you AND your baby?" It was a
no-brainer and it made an impact.
Creating Indigo
Here is a very short version of the story of how Indigo came to be. I posted it recently on the Hypnobabies instructor Yahoo group and wanted to put it here for posterity. There is more to the story of course and I will expand on it one of these days...
I have my own variation of a positive TTC (trying to conceive) story, so whoever originally posted the request--feel free to write to me offline and I'll tell you
the entire story if you want all the details--the healing journey and
all the medical stuff along the way. Of course now I can see all the
gifts the journey has brought to me, but there is no way I could have
seen that gifts were buried in the muck when I was deep in it. Bottom
line is that with much tenacity, prayer, healing, positive intentions
and undying optimism, my beautiful daughter came into being 11 years
after starting the TTC process (there were some breaks on the
journey), 3 pregnancies and losses (one life threatening for me), many
surgeries and diagnostics, etc., etc. She was conceived through IUI
with clomid and an HCG "trigger" shot in the rear to get the eggs moving. A pregnant
NP did the insemination that "stuck." That was very cool. Indigo was
conceived on 9/25/03 and we HEARD her strong heartbeat on 10/31/03. I
had no idea we would hear her heart beating that day...only expected
to see it. That was the best day of my life next to the day she was
born pretty, pink and petite (6 lbs, 13oz; 6:02 pm; 6/10/04) with 9/9
apgar scores.
Now I am in a process of mourning as I have just recently made a decision to not
have any more children. I am sure about this decision, yet grief bubbles up now and again because my body and soul still feel the maternal call. We will do a ritual for this transition at some point. Indigo has named her sister who is not to be. Her name is Heartsa. We mourn for a little one who will never be, but we feel her possibility in our hearts and we let her go.
I have my own variation of a positive TTC (trying to conceive) story, so whoever originally posted the request--feel free to write to me offline and I'll tell you
the entire story if you want all the details--the healing journey and
all the medical stuff along the way. Of course now I can see all the
gifts the journey has brought to me, but there is no way I could have
seen that gifts were buried in the muck when I was deep in it. Bottom
line is that with much tenacity, prayer, healing, positive intentions
and undying optimism, my beautiful daughter came into being 11 years
after starting the TTC process (there were some breaks on the
journey), 3 pregnancies and losses (one life threatening for me), many
surgeries and diagnostics, etc., etc. She was conceived through IUI
with clomid and an HCG "trigger" shot in the rear to get the eggs moving. A pregnant
NP did the insemination that "stuck." That was very cool. Indigo was
conceived on 9/25/03 and we HEARD her strong heartbeat on 10/31/03. I
had no idea we would hear her heart beating that day...only expected
to see it. That was the best day of my life next to the day she was
born pretty, pink and petite (6 lbs, 13oz; 6:02 pm; 6/10/04) with 9/9
apgar scores.
Now I am in a process of mourning as I have just recently made a decision to not
have any more children. I am sure about this decision, yet grief bubbles up now and again because my body and soul still feel the maternal call. We will do a ritual for this transition at some point. Indigo has named her sister who is not to be. Her name is Heartsa. We mourn for a little one who will never be, but we feel her possibility in our hearts and we let her go.
Love and Buddha
Indigo quotes of the day:
When listening to the Deva Premal recording of Gayatri Mantra while in the bathtub, "Ah, this reminds me of a Buddha." (I have told her nothing of the meaning of the mantra. She did experience Deva in concert while quite ill a little over a year ago and just after I returned from a 5-day meditation retreat, "Awakening Together" with Thich Nhat Hanh.) We've been experiencing the Gayatri Mantra together since she was conceived. Apparently it's made an impact.
These deep, spiritual truths come out of this wise little one often while in water. Back in September after a visit to the Grotto, she slipped into the warm bathtub at home and said, "Ah, this warm water feels soooooo good....this must be how Jesus felt." She wanted to learn about Jesus that day and was a bit obsessed with him for a few days. She was quite taken by the statues at the Grotto and wanted to know why Jesus died, who killed him, etc., etc. She couldn't stay there too long that day. The energy of the Grotto seemed to be a bit too much for her. We focused on the baby Jesus and Mary because I just didn't know quite how to talk to a 4 y/o about Jesus being nailed to a cross. I'll figure it out. She probably knows more about him than I do anyway.
Back to Deva Premal . . . .
Deva on YouTube.
Om bur bhuvah svah
tat savitur varenyam
bhargo devasya dhimahi
dhiyo yonah prachodoyat
Through the coming, going, and the balance of life
The essential nature which illuminates existence is the
adorable one
May all perceive through subtle intellect
the brilliance of enlightenment
Something that makes this mantra so special is that Deva's father sang it to her while she was in utero and they continued to sing it together until she was around 10. She rediscovered the mantra as an adult and began sharing it in her concerts. We are so lucky!
From Deva's CD Essence, "It is said that the Gayatri Mantra purifies the listener as well as the singer. This is certainly my experience, and I feel blessed every time I sing it."
I first discovered Essence several years ago and then it was a wonderful comfort to me to listen to and sing along with during my pregnancy.
Right now I'm a bit more into the version on Deva and Miten's Satsang CD. It's uptempo and very fun to sing along with.
But, I digress...on to another Indigo quote from today:
I told her that I would miss her when I'm on my trip to San Antonio this week and then she said, "Mama, I'm going to miss you as much as I love purple!"
When listening to the Deva Premal recording of Gayatri Mantra while in the bathtub, "Ah, this reminds me of a Buddha." (I have told her nothing of the meaning of the mantra. She did experience Deva in concert while quite ill a little over a year ago and just after I returned from a 5-day meditation retreat, "Awakening Together" with Thich Nhat Hanh.) We've been experiencing the Gayatri Mantra together since she was conceived. Apparently it's made an impact.
These deep, spiritual truths come out of this wise little one often while in water. Back in September after a visit to the Grotto, she slipped into the warm bathtub at home and said, "Ah, this warm water feels soooooo good....this must be how Jesus felt." She wanted to learn about Jesus that day and was a bit obsessed with him for a few days. She was quite taken by the statues at the Grotto and wanted to know why Jesus died, who killed him, etc., etc. She couldn't stay there too long that day. The energy of the Grotto seemed to be a bit too much for her. We focused on the baby Jesus and Mary because I just didn't know quite how to talk to a 4 y/o about Jesus being nailed to a cross. I'll figure it out. She probably knows more about him than I do anyway.
Back to Deva Premal . . . .
Deva on YouTube.
Om bur bhuvah svah
tat savitur varenyam
bhargo devasya dhimahi
dhiyo yonah prachodoyat
Through the coming, going, and the balance of life
The essential nature which illuminates existence is the
adorable one
May all perceive through subtle intellect
the brilliance of enlightenment
Something that makes this mantra so special is that Deva's father sang it to her while she was in utero and they continued to sing it together until she was around 10. She rediscovered the mantra as an adult and began sharing it in her concerts. We are so lucky!
From Deva's CD Essence, "It is said that the Gayatri Mantra purifies the listener as well as the singer. This is certainly my experience, and I feel blessed every time I sing it."
I first discovered Essence several years ago and then it was a wonderful comfort to me to listen to and sing along with during my pregnancy.
Right now I'm a bit more into the version on Deva and Miten's Satsang CD. It's uptempo and very fun to sing along with.
But, I digress...on to another Indigo quote from today:
I told her that I would miss her when I'm on my trip to San Antonio this week and then she said, "Mama, I'm going to miss you as much as I love purple!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
