Summer into fall

The days are shorter. The evenings are cooler. Fall is just around the corner. I remind myself to be present with the summer days while they last. Have I really not posted since April? Where does the time go?

I picked two bowls of blueberries from our front garden bushes with my daughter yesterday. DE-lish. We noticed that one leaf had already turned to a reddish brown. Signs of autumn already. Wow. Indigo is 4 now. I wonder if she will remember the days when she leisurely picked berries on NE 72nd.

We are approaching a time of transition. September brings change as we shift into cooler days and the wheel continues to turn. Present moment, beautiful moment. No coming, no going. My emotions are raw and on the surface some days. My cells are remembering the season in which my daddy transitioned out of his body two years ago (9/15/06). I reflect on how to celebrate life and death and all the cycles in the natural world.

Cosmo died this week--one of Indigo's beloved guinea pigs in her preschool classroom. We were curious about whether or not Otis is missing his sweet friend. Indigo remembered that her friend Sophie used to like to hold Cosmo. Last night was a tough one for Indigo. She was unsettled and having a hard time letting go into the realm of sleep. She had been on edge with her emotions. I asked her about Cosmo and then she sobbed. We cried together for some time. She really misses her friend. This death symbolizes the transitions that lie ahead as she cycles out of her current preschool and into a new wondrous school with new friends and new adventures (and a cob house!!).... www.newdayschool.org.

My night owl is beckoning me to rub her back and sing Baby Boats as she drifts off to sleep this evening.

More soon (I hope) . . .

For My Daddy

This is for you, Daddy. I sure miss you. Last week after acupuncture I stepped off the table and removed my gown and I smelled you. I buried my face in the gown and wanted to sob. I was aware that another patient was waiting for the room so I just let a few tears flow and saved the rest for later when I got into my car. I didn't want to let go of the gown. I smelled it and took your scent a few more times and was grateful to have the sensory reminder of you. I feel you watching over me and Indigo. I know you are at peace now. I miss you so much and I am grateful you are no longer suffering in your physical form.

Indigo reminds me of you. I see you in her face. She tells me she misses you. She says, "I have memories, Mama. I remember your Daddy, Papa Terry." She remembers when you visited us at our house.

I see you in the clouds, in the hummingbirds, in the trees. I feel you all over Portland, this wonderful city that you loved and explored.

Thank you, Daddy.

3 and 3 is 6

It really IS Spring. A week ago today I chickened out and decided not to journey to Breitenbush in the snow. Five days ago it was snowing in Portland. A magical day. Today the thermometer at home reads 64.4! My daughter insisted she didn't need to bring a coat on our outing today and she was right about that. It was only 50 degrees when we left the house but it soon warmed up. She had on her new board shorts, t-shirt and tennies along with knee hi socks (her "soccer" socks).

I love home days. So does she. Who doesn't!? Okay, I'm lucky enough to love my work, but who wouldn't love a day at home without a schedule?

One of our morning activities was to feed the cats. Leo is nearing 15 and Chloe will be 18 this month (4/26). Indigo wanted to give them a few treats so I suggested 5 or 6 for Leo (Chloe doesn't like them). She said, "How about 3 for Chloe and 3 for Leo, that makes 6." I said, "How do you know that?" and she replied, "I don't know, I just do." Yep, 3 and 3 makes 6.

I emailed my new friend Jennifer to confirm our meet up time at Urban Grind and she replied. First her email came through 3 times and then a few minutes later (maybe 3 minutes?!), her reply came in 3 more times. I shared this with Jennifer and she wasn't at all surprised. Threes and sixes have been coming up for her a lot (33, 66, etc.). Cool.

Indigo just now shouted out, "Mama, it's 6:00 o'clock!!" Here I go again with my, "How do you know that?", and she replies, "Because mama, the little hand is on the 6, see??!!" Oh yeah, of course. It's hard to keep up with her sometimes.

My heart is really happy today. I have been discovering more of my tribe and it feels like home, feels real good. Thanks, friends.

baby Carol, baby Indigo

This is me at one year old (not sure how many months old). The photo was taken in front of my great aunt and uncle's apartment building, which is near the Memorial Coliseum/Rose Quarter.
















The cutie in red is Indigo at 19 months old in our backyard garden.

Holding my feet

I sleep upside down (or right side up?) and my daughter holds on tightly to my feet as she drifts off to sleep. I try to gently pull my feet away and slip out of her room without her noticing. She holds on tighter through her deep sleep breathing and doesn't let go. Eventually I am able to slip my feet from her loving grip and quietly tip toe out of her room.

While she is holding on I remind myself to just be, to breathe, to take in this moment, this snapshot in time.

I don't know how we began this ritual of having her hold my feet while she drifts off to sleep. She doesn't need this every night, but sometimes makes the request to hold my feet. I hold hers too. It's grounding and comforting and loving.

My mom used to massage my tiny ears as I drifted off to sleep. I share in sleep rituals with my own daughter now and sing the same lullabies (Baby boats . . . ). Thank you, mom.

"Are those the sweetest words you've ever heard?"

"Mama, you are the best mama I have ever had. Are those the sweetest words you've ever heard?"

Yes, those are definitely the sweetest words I've ever heard.

I do my best to soak in every moment of this love affair with my 3 year old darling daughter. How long will she be enamored with her mama?

She also tells me things like, "Just go in the other room, mama" as she rolls her eyes at me, or, "Just go ahead and go mama."

The other day she said something to my dp like, "when is mama gonna blow up her computer?" I guess this is a clue that I'm spending too much time focused on my computer when I could be focusing on more important things like relationships and deep connection.

My first chapter book

"Reading" . . . one of her favorite past times.

"Mama, I will remember this day forever."

Ah, sweet music to my ears. "Mama, I will remember this day forever." This is what my 3 1/2 y/o dd said to me as we neared our house on our way home from a short walk in our neighborhood at the end of the day. We encountered a small hail storm and caught some on our hands and tasted it. She noticed grass growing out of the sidewalk and mentioned that it's "evergreen" and that many of the "dredgerous" (aka deciduous) trees are still bare in this early part of Spring.

We had a "yes" day today, a lazy home day with room for spontaneity. Hurrah for yes days. We woke up to a beautiful snowfall, which is quite rare this late in March in Portland, OR. I had the day off after opting not to go on a trip to Breitenbush a couple of days ago (all signs pointed me in the direction of not going, so on my way there I turned around and decided to come back home...long story of a tiring day, which I may tell another time). My dd chose to stay home with me today instead of going to preschool. I was looking forward to a day of not having to go anywhere or do anything except the usual stuff at home. Turns out I needed to make an emergency bank deposit so we set out on an adventure in our roles as Zuwabe (dd as a baby girl puppy) and Zoozoo (me as Zuwabe's big sister). Zuwabe got to wear her snow suit sans clothes underneath and take snacks for the car ride. How wonderful to be able to go at our own pace and let go of having to be somewhere at a certain time and to joyfully participate together in play throughout our outing. After the stop at the bank machine, we visited Kitchen Kaboodle to buy a souffle pan. We wanted to try out a new blueberry upside down cake. Yummy. Zuwabe and Zoozoo had great fun making the cake and eating it.

Last night Zuwabe woke up in the night and I brought her into our bed. She was crying and said, "I miss my great Papa, your daddy". I wonder if Papa T visited her in her dreamtime. She has been talking about him quite a bit lately. He's been gone a year and half now. I miss him so much too. She talked about him again today. "I have memories, Mama. I remember your daddy and I miss him." "What do you remember, honey?" "I remember when he came to our house." I remind her that one of the last things he said to me was, "Tell Indigo that Papa Terry loves her very much." I did tell her and I will keep telling her and she knows. She loves you too and misses you deeply. You live on in her and in me and we are so grateful. Indigo was 2 when Papa died. Some days my heart longs to share her magical presence with him but I know he is with us and is so happy for me.

I was getting tired as it neared her bedtime and losing patience. My tone shifted and she called me on it as usual, "Mama, just be peaceful, you need to be gentle with baby puppies." We called her buddha baby on her first day after being born. She is gentle and sweet and peaceful and fills the world with unconditional love. I have much to learn from this gentle spirit who has graced us with her beautiful presence. I am learning about true love.

I too will remember this day forever, my dear one.

Baby

So my dd wants to pretend to be a baby. This can be challenging with a 3 1/2 year old when she wants to be carried everywhere and not talk because she is a baby. I do my best to breathe, and remember it is a sweet opportunity for connection. She gives me cues that she is a baby. She uses baby mannerisms, wants to be carried, dressed and wants to use sounds instead of words to verbally communicate. She knows that I teach infant classes and she has always loved mothering her baby dolls. She is pretty thrilled with her new friend Lila Bluebelle, a 2 month old infant, and is enamoured with Lila's mama, Sarah Lu.

Why not connect with her through this play? I admit sometimes I get annoyed because I would love for her to put on her own shoes, pull up her own pants, walk herself into school, go to the toilet on her own, etc., etc. Then I remember to connect, connect, connect. She magically transforms back into a preschooler when we get to her classroom. She is using her baby play as a way to connect with me and I find that to be very resourceful of her. She has been active in imaginary play since she was 18 months old and it is heartwarming to watch the evolution of this play. I want to nurture this as much as possible. However, I have to say that it sometimes is much easier when she is in a phase of pretending to be big-boy Jesse (her 5 y/o friend)! She will go to sleep on her own, doesn't want to have us do much for her, etc., etc. I long for cuddly connection with her during the times when she is exploring greater independence, so I remember this when she expresses the need to connect through her baby play. Her needs ebb and flow. Such is life. I often wonder if I was so resourceful and imaginative as a 3 year old child.

Where I was on this day 6 years ago . . .

Six years ago today I was losing a baby . . . unbelievably painful and life-threatening ectopic pregnancy rupture at Providence Portland Medical Center.

I find myself teary today and not knowing why . . . grief . . . a familiar feeling, but what is it? I am sitting at my desk at PPMC and I remember I was within these walls 6 years ago today, losing my baby and a part of me (my left fallopian tube) and having my own life saved. I had a spiritual, near death (near life?) experience that day that has stayed deeply within me. It was the most peaceful moment of my life within one of the most traumatic moments of my life. Was it the moment my baby's spirit was leaving me and moving on to the next part of her journey, was it the moment my guides/angels surrounded me and gave me strength to go on in this life, was it all of this and more wrapped up into one?

A couple of days later I was lying in my hospital bed watching HUGE snowflakes fall (in March in Portland!). The snowflakes were a peaceful symbol of hope for me.

I will tell more of this story another time.

It's amazing how these cellular memories can bubble up on calendar anniversary dates.

My first blog!!

This is my first blog. Woohoo!! I love communication, writing, technology and stories so why not create a blog? Here goes!